Why the only good grey squirrel is deep fried

Confronting the enemy with squirrel pie. A grey obituary.

Are you looking at me?

My writing desk faces my balcony which overlooks the river Lea and the Walthamstow wetlands beyond. All is mostly green and bucolic apart from my immediate view.

There's a dead tree on my balcony. I'm mourning its demise. Covered in netting, its branches may well have been struck by lightening. It makes me think of a 1st world war battlefield. Because this is war and my balcony my battleground.

The netting was a laughable attempt to deter squirrels from eating my tree.

In happier times, my tree was a Cambridge Gage, one of my favourite varieties of sweet stone fruit.

Greengages aren’t always easy to find. I love them. I'd always wanted a tree. So it seems, have the local grey squirrel population. Last year the fruit was starting to set. The next morning, it had disappeared. This year, as the branches were covered with tender new shoots, I caught squirrels dead handed, (pawed?) eating away at the young branches. I covered the tree with netting. The squirrels still leapt upon it. I mourned the loss of my tree but, I’ve noticed that it’s fighting back. A few green leaves have been appearing from the top branches, reaching for the sky. Whether they live to fight the grey menace is another matter.

According to Mammal.org.uk;

‘‘Grey squirrels are serious pests of forestry, especially stripping the bark of thin-barked species such as beech and sycamore. This behaviour is not fully understood. It seems to peak in early summer, at about the time when the first litter of young become independent, and at the time when tree fruits are least available. It can kill the top of the tree or distort its growth. They can also be serious pests in gardens and among horticultural crops.’’

It doesn’t make me any less annoyed to find that I’m not alone in fighting for my trees survival.

I’ve tried everything; netting, nails, water spray (the beasties turn their backs and swish their tails at me), pepper spray, chillies and this which only serves to make my balcony smell of garlic!

One of my friends has a squirrel trap in her garden but I can’t face the idea of dealing with a guillotined squirrel or worse, a live mangled squirrel. They’re officially a menace and can’t be released into the wild which means I would have to dispatch it humanely. Thankfully there are a few people who are doing the killing for me. I wish there were more. Legally greys can be culled year round.

Last year the Exmouth Squirrel Project caused national headlines when it announced that it was going to cull grey squirrels and put them on local menus instead of in the bin. I'm betting that there are many of you reading this who would rather die from hunger, than eat squirrel.

Wild squirrel on Newhouse Game;s stall at a farmers market

Were you brought up reading Beatrix Potter? Her Tale of Squirrel Nutkin is about a red squirrel, our native, smaller and more timid species.

Grey squirrels are significantly larger and stronger than reds and carry a squirrel pox virus that is deadly to reds but to which they are immune. Greys have driven our native red squirrel population to the verge of extinction. There are approximately 287,000 red squirrels in the UK compared with around 2.7 million greys.

Anyone who thinks grey squirrels are cute and fluffy and can’t wait to feed them, rather than eat them, read on. The damage they cause is immense. The grey squirrel is considered an invasive non-native species, as classified under Schedule 9 of the Wildlife and Countryside Act (WCA). They are also listed as one of the 100 worst invasive non-native species by the IUCN. This recognition highlights the significant damage that grey squirrels can cause to native flora and fauna, a problem acknowledged on a global scale.

Some of my favourite website searches that come up re. grey squirrel include;

‘What eats grey squirrels’ and ‘what is a squirrels worst enemy’

Whilst some may agree with me that the only good grey squirrel is a dead squirrel, the UK Squirrel Accord have been undertaking research into fertility control to limit grey squirrel populations, with their main question; How can an oral contraceptive be fed to 2.7 million grey squirrels? And to make sure that only grey squirrels will take the bait. The research period ended earlier this year. I await the news with literally, baited breath.

Elisabeth Luard, Squirrel Pie book cover

Returning to the idea of squirrel on the menu; in her travelogue, Squirrel Pie (and other stories),

Elisabeth Luard

relates a hunters tale, in the woods in Maine.

“Yesterday when George went out for an early morning wander to inspect the marshes…the casualty count on the road was a couple of grey squirrels, perfectly fresh and without a scratch. This morning, in the sunlight on the porch, he's skinning the little fellows into a bucket.

“What'll you do with those?”

George glances up from his work with a grin. “Same as anyone else with any sense- cook ‘em up and eat ‘em.”

Squirrel Pie and other stories, Elisabeth Luard

Elisabeth notes that in the household books of early American settlers, squirrel is recommended as excellent eating, being tender and well flavoured. Brunswick stew, made with squirrel has been a favourite since the 19th century.

She proposes marketing opportunities for grey squirrel, wondering if squirrel biltong might be popular “even with non-appreciators of game, as a low fat unsugared snack.”

Here’s her recipe for squirrel pot pie;

Squirrel tastes like a cross between chicken and rabbit, or wild boar, or a cross between duck and lamb depending upon who you ask. Do a web search, and you'll find hundreds of recipes using squirrel from squirrel pasties, to Southern fried crispy squirrel. I'd rather eat squirrel than battery raised fried chicken any day. It's sustainable, environmentally friendly, ethical, wild and local. Look for grey squirrel at game stalls at farmers markets, ask for it at your local butchers, or search online. It's available all year as it doesn't have a closed season. Eat a grey, save a red.

Grey Squirrels; an obituary.

Grey squirrels arrived in Britain in 1876, imported from North America. They died out in 2024¹. Introduced as an ‘ornamental species’ to decorate stately homes, it wasn’t until 1930 that the damage they caused was recognised and it was made illegal to release a grey squirrel into the wild.

Grey squirrels spread rapidly and were common across the UK, with the exception of north and western Scotland and some islands. There were an estimated 2.7 million grey squirrels in the UK in 2024. Finally eradicated by red squirrels fighting back² , constant culling and use of predators³, the best selling McGreySquirrel burger⁴, and the introduction of an oral contraceptive that grey squirrels adapted to very quickly⁵.

Finally, if you still need convincing that grey squirrels need to go, there’s always THIS.

1. I can only wish

2. Ditto

3. As above

4. Why not?! Also, fried squirrel to replace the ubiquitous cheap fried chicken.

5. I wish the UK Squirrel Accord good luck