Conversations with my food

Does eating alone still have a stigma? A piece I wrote in 2011, a poem I wrote last year. Has anything changed?

Photo by Antor Paul on Unsplash

Put ‘table for one’ OR ‘eating alone’ into Unsplash or any stock photo library. Try to find an image of someone eating alone that isn’t mournful/suicidal/looks fed up or lonely, or deeply philosophical (hands around knees on mountain top etc). Last night a friend and I agreed that a pub we love made us feel unwelcome if eating there alone because most of the specials were ‘for two or more to share’.

Table for one

Never say Only
When it's a table for one

Look the waiter squarely in the eye and say

I’m here for lunch, or dinner

Whatever the appropriate time may be

Don’t squirm along the wall or head for the shadows

March into the middle

Head held high

Never let them put you behind a pillar or in the corner by the lavatories

You’re a pole star in the dining universe

Face the centre of the room

Let the world revolve around your table

Never apologise

If you’re eating alone
Sharing the table with yourself
Don’t feel you need to say
’Oh just an undressed salad for me’

No need to pretend

You’re waiting for no one

Remember Elizabeth David who ordered

a Whole Bottle of Wine for herself

Take time to look around

Put away your phone

Dare to be bare without a book

Never hold back when you’re dining alone

Order the lardo melted on bruchetta
Ask where the oysters are from

Find out what’s in season

Consider an aperitif 
Seize the hour with knife and fork
A swathe of linen enfolding gently on your knee

Observe the contents of your plate as it arrives on your table

Use all your senses

Dazzle the dining room

Look around, take your time

Breath

You can

Perceive

The miserable couples, heads bowed down.

The groups more involved in taking photos than eating their food

You

Can watch the dining room choreography

Observe the chefs diligently working

Ask questions without raising the eyebrows of a dining companion

Enjoy every mouthful, every taste, bite and crumb.

You can lean back between courses, sated and satisfied

And then, without guilt, you can

Think about dessert.

Photo by Ismail Hamzah on Unsplash

I wrote Table for One last year. The text below I wrote back in 2011. Has anything changed?

For dinner last night, not feeling particularly hungry I ate a bag of peas. Raw peas in their pods, I didn’t crunch my way through a bag of frozen petit pois. Still hungry an hour later I added to the feast with a couple of Peters Yard crisp breads and smoked trout pate. If I’m alone, it’s my choice.

Brought up to believe that food is to be shared, a social occasion, eating alone conjures up loneliness. Is one fun?  Eating alone can make me feel as if I’m being punished.

How many of us don’t bother cooking because ‘it’s just for me’ or eat standing at the sink or in front of the open fridge?¹ Do we ever turn that around and celebrate the possibility and pleasure of eating at the open fridge because there’s no-one around to point a finger?

Eating alone can be meditative, contemplative or swing right round to boring, frustrating, annoying, something to be cancelled out.
The relationship is with the food on my plate in front of you.

At home alone do you:

Eat at a table
Or eat in front of the TV?

If the former do you eat to the accompaniment of the radio or music? Do you read a book or the paper?
Can you honestly say that if eating alone it's just you and the food on your plate?

I find it really challenging to eat at the table. I know I should eat consciously. It’s just that I don’t want to. After a long day I want to collapse on the sofa. I want immediate gratification.  I want to make sure that whatever I’ve recorded to watch on tv is there ready and waiting for me.

There are people who are happy to dine on a bowl of cereal or toast because they can’t be bothered to cook. Am I the only person who does bother?

When I’ve time, I’ll cook in advance, enough to last me a few days and I’ll congratulate myself for being organised. so that I just need to reheat when I come home. That’s if the amount I cook doesn’t get polished off in one evening. Note to self; Portion Control.

Two people I know who work hard and live alone have very particular eating habits. One who works in the food world will get home late and order a takeaway. She’ll never cook for herself. The other won’t eat anything hot; it has to be a salad or a piece of cake. Both eat in front of the TV. I have yet to meet anyone who dines solo seated at a table.

Is eating alone more a matter of eating self consciously, than eating consciously?

A few days ago I ate lunch alone. Asking for a table for one, the waiter repeated back my request, but he said ‘only one’. Why is one ‘only’ and why should that make me feel apologetic or self conscious?

Today at the farmers’ market, I found myself using the dreaded word ‘only’ when asked how many people I was buying for. Only one.

Eating in public alone has different rules whether it’s a supper club, or fine dining to casual every day dining and pubs; to holiday and travelling eating.

At a supper club food is king, at a restaurant it's possible that no one cares what they eat. It’s easy to go to a supper club alone as chances are you’ll be placed at a shared table with other like minded people. I’ve done this several times when I couldn’t find anyone who wanted to go. I’m past the point of staying at home because my friends aren’t keen!  But still there will usually be a comment of admiration because I’ve dared to dine alone.

Eating alone in restaurants takes courage depending upon the time of day and location. For some it is the pinnacle of pleasure. I wish I could locate the quote from a 1940's set novel in which one of the characters celebrates his birthday with a solitary dinner at Rules & relishes every moment.²

It’s drummed into us that food is to be shared. There aren’t many food adverts that show a solo diner. Always the complete family and two children or group of friends.

Is there something inherently gluttonous about eating alone in public view? The social aspects are cancelled out so therefore the food is under the spotlight. For women especially, it can be uncomfortable, and there’s something unladylike about that. Reclaim what’s rightly yours. Are women still supposed to be lady like and eat like birds? To leave most of the contents on our plates. The classic line always quoted is not ordering chips and then pinching them from the boyfriends’ plate.  I love seeing women eat honestly, with gusto.

Some years ago I was working with a Thai film crew who were making a documentary about Northern Island. We landed in Belfast and the crew, jet-lagged and uninterested in Belfast nightlife had an early night. I on the other hand was not unduly suffering the stresses of such a short flight from the UK and itching to meet Belfast. Room service was dull and depressing, and would cost me almost as much as a meal out. I took myself off to a restaurant, one that was then making waves in Belfast city centre. It didn’t worry me that I was alone.

Some restaurants when seating a single diner will put them in what they consider to be shame corner. Behind a pillar, or by the entrance to the loos. Here I was seated me centre space facing into the room so that I had a fine view of the audience.

I still have the menu from that evening and I remember everything I ate because I valued each mouthful. I had no distractions, no companion to talk to. I had no book with me, no phone (this was well before the era of mobile phones). Just my food and I.  Was I self conscious? Oh yes but I was determined not to show it.

The face of my boss when I handed in my expenses was a picture. It was lunchtime; he had a canteen egg sandwich in one hand, and my restaurant bill in the other. The room was silent as he read out what I ate and I swear his sandwich wilted. It wasn’t done to eat out alone.

Some of my favourite meals have been eaten solo on holiday. It’s part of an adventure, exploring a new city. New flavours, scents, tastes. I can spend hours finding the places I want to eat, which drives some of my friends mad. The disadvantage is not having anyone to share the immediate experience with.

Every day dining and pubs seem to have different rules. Lunch is acceptable alone, dinner isn’t.

Eating alone in a greasy spoon or every day sort of place is allowed. It’s day time, it’s expected, even encouraged. Possibly you’re reading or checking your work emails.

For women eating or drinking alone in a pub is okay, depending upon the establishment. Upping the quality of food made it far easier to enter a pub. There are very few places where I’d now feel uncomfortable eating.

I have several times challenged myself to sit alone at a bar. It wasn’t comfortable. Men seem to be able to do it, no problem, staring into space with a pint in one hand.

Eating at the bar however is something I love.  From tapas bars in Spanish markets to shellfish bars in London I can perch on a bar stool, watch my food being prepared, watch the room, talk to the bar staff and observe the world go by. Some of my favourite places involve sitting at the bar, watching the brigade of chefs create magic.

So, here’s the rules.

Don’t apologise and don’t use the word ‘only’ as in, it’s only me. A table for one please, head up assertively. If you can, book in advance.

Dress appropriately to blend in. Unless you’re a masochist and want to stand out.

Don’t be fobbed off with a table in Siberia. You deserve the best

Take a comfort blanket with you if you wish; book, newspaper, notebook, mobile appliance if you must, but don’t use it. Keep it in reserve; you know it’s there if you need it, but you don’t., really you don’t.  Use your phone if you have to.

Don’t check your work emails. This is your space, your precious time. Work and food shouldn’t mix.

Enjoy your surroundings. Relax. There’s nothing sad or bad about you eating alone. No-one is looking at you. If they are, they’re envying you your independence and audacity.

Order whatever you like. Nobody is going to criticize your choices or steal food from your plate. It’s all yours.

You can pretend to be a food critic and scrutinise everything on the menu, ask questions about provenance or cooking methods.

You could if you choose order everything on the menu.  

Here’s the one disadvantage to eating alone. Food that’s great for sharing; dim sum, tapas is sad eaten alone because if you want to experience the entire pick and mix flavours, you’d have to over order. But feel free, indulge. You can always take the remains away with you.

The last time I over ordered at a Lebanese place and left half my food, a woman waiting for a take away order asked if she could have my leftovers.

Enjoy your food; develop a positive relationship with it. You’re eating for one. You.

Smile but don’t over do it.

Be nice to the waiter but he or she is not your best friend. Just because you’re alone, you don’t need a security blanket.

Eat slowly, tip well and leave with your head up. Don’t slink out. You’re not a thief.

Repeat at regular intervals. And do not ever apologise or feel guilty about eating alone. It’s not anathema. It’s a joy.

So tell me, do you have to feel brave to eat out alone?

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A similar plea from a writer I follow reminds me to ask the same; I hate saying this but if it is good enough for those with many more subscribers to do so, then it is good enough for me; As much as I love getting comments via email, Insta etc - it really does help me grow my visibility here if you like and comment on my actual posts. All you have to do is click on the heart! Thank you so much x

1. Nigella is probably responsible, more than anyone else for making eating food in front of an open fridge okay. And for eating alone with full enjoyment in front of a camera crew.

2. Whilst trying once again to find that elusive novel, I came across this review of In the Company of Solitude with amazing photos of people eating alone.